exasperation

Had my dr appt yesterday, told him how badly I needed to get back to work ( these disability checks just aren't enough to cover my monthly expenses). So, I talked him into letting me return @ the end of Aug. But, the restrictions he put on my return are so unrealistic I can't believe it! My job description requires I be able to lift up to 50 lbs, my limit to return to work? 5 lbs!! Now, who in their right mind ever thinks of how much 5 lbs actually is? The weight is so light it is almost inconsequential! A gallon of milk is 7 lbs, for crying out loud, my truck door is heavier than that when I open or shut it! ( That has actually been kind of difficult to open and close...) So, needless to say, my supervisor isn't really happy about my workability sheet, I can't twist or torque with my right arm, and no lifting above chest level with my left arm... So, where can I work? No where is my thinking, I can't clean instruments cuz the trays are over 5 lbs. I can't clean shelves because many of them are above my head, ( and the inventory on them is over 5 lbs.) I might be able to put together charts ( joy...)but, that won't take 8 hours every day either.
Don't get me wrong, I am not displeased with my recovery, and neither is the dr. he just thinks that I am trying to get back into the whole swing of things too quickly ( but, he doesn't live on my wages either). He is really concerned about me dislocating the elbow, and then I would be starting over again with the whole shebang.
As far as my left shoulder, I guess I should be pleased with the progress I have made there, I have completely normal range of motion, some strength, and much less pain than when I first injured it. MRI is going to show what the real problem is I guess, but, I have to wait for the ins, company to approve that test.
Speaking of bills, man, I can't believe the cost of hospitalization! And to think I complained about a $1000 emergency room bill ( for pneumonia 4 yrs ago)! The amount is staggering, for this injury! I am very glad to have insurance!
The upside of all this time off, is I get to spend the summer with my son! We have been to the beach every day so far this week, and he has enjoyed it immensely!
The other good thing is I have had time to help my mentors with my bee hives, ( and theirs), since I can't lift my 70 lb boxes ( I have plenty of honey, let me tell you!!) I have been trying to help out in other ways, like watching their children so they can get stuff done, and have some alone time. Hopefully, it is enough.
I am overwhelmed by the outpouring of support from my church and friends, there is a gentleman from church coming over today to mow my lawn, ( he fixed my mower , again, since somehow the air cleaner and cover fell off and got mowed over...) with my mower so he can check it out to make sure it runs alright, and I get my lawn mowed! It is so difficult to rely on others to do things you are so accustomed to doing yourself! And it is sooooo hard for me to ask for help!! Why is that? Number 1, the guilt; I feel I should be able to do these things, but, I can't even wring out a mop! how sad is that!? Number 2,: the loss of my independence, I have prided myself on my ability to be completely independent, able to figure things out myself without the help of a male around. I have replaced the belt on my dryer drum, I can change my own oil on my car, I can change a flat tire, I can take off the pipes under the sinks in my house to clean out the trap ( remember, gravity and I argue often, gravity wins!) Heck, I can even change an element on my water heater if I had to ( have the tool, don't ask why...)
Now, I can't even change the belt on my vacuum cleaner, ( need the use of 2 strong hands for that), and I am too proud to ask someone to do it for me... how stupid is that? People I know, want to help, but, how do I just let go and let them? Better I think, for folks to just take over and say, this is what is going to happen and you can't change it, so just sit down and relax, ( not that I would relax when someone is doing my work for me, )
Crap, enough feeling sorry for myself, Tomorrow is Garlic fest in Hutchinson, and we have been preparing all week for it! We are going to have a booth there and will be demonstrating extracting honey from the hive the entire day!!! It is going to be a great day! My box of honey is plum full! My mentor thought I should enter a frame in the State Fair, but, I am too anxious to extract it and get honey! Besides, I am definitely not up for a State Fair visit this year, ( as well as it being cost prohibitive).
Happily, I will have enough honey for Christmas gifts ( my goal this year). And perhaps even some for purchase ( haven't decided on that yet).
Enough with the whining...

WTF?

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother, I get so impatient with myself... I have been making amazing progress with PT assistance, my shoulder doesn't hurt any longer ( don't want THAT pain ever again!). My elbow is slowly straightening, ( not fast enough for Ms patience , me apparently). Sheesh, my injuries could have been so much worse!! I thank God for it not being so.
On to Fb, I know I offended a person on my friends list today, but, I really don't believe all the crap local recues, turn out. I don't give a damn if she is the nicest person on the face of the earth to someone, I personally know 3 families she has interfered with as well as just meeting another person last week ( that person didn't tell me their story, but, I had heard the rumors before, and saw the perfectly fit horses that were confiscated a week later on the rescue web site). Intimidation doesn't cut it with me, and I can be fairly intimidating myself. I just actually try not to be ( mostly).
but, she ( or her lackeys) have destroyed lives ( not people deserving of being destroyed either, although, there are some, I admit that needed some help). I cannot condone that.
Anway, enough of a rant there. I am on a roll. Reading Twilight series ( for the 6th time since I purchased them in June...), I have such a huge crush on Edward... man, if a vampire like that came my way, I would not hesitate ( I don't think), he could bite me anywhere he has a mind to.
I actually had been jogging as of last week, but, the doc put the cabosh on that idea... doesn't want me to fall ( go figure...). I mean, this is why I was interval training, to increase my caloric burn, and lose weight!!! Get more fit, you know, the whole shabang... I don't care, I am going to try the 8 minute running thing. If I fall don't tell anyone I posted this... heck, I could fall from walking ( not unheard of in my world, gravity does strange things to me, and it usually wins...)
Wow, am I ever rambling today. Must mean I am feeling better, just the fact that I can type with 2 hands is cause for celebration for me!
Went out and played among my mares this morning also, my old mare Coni, has gotten the message "Be careful for Mom!" so many times, I am sure she understands what that means.
I am looking forward to the day I can ride, Coni will be the horse I get on. It is like slipping on a pair of old comfortable shoes for me to mount that girl. I know her, I know her reactions to most anything ( always qualify things with horses...), I am excited about it. I know it won't be tomorrow, ( but, maybe soon??) might not even be this year, but, I know I will be able to ride again.
This period of non work should be a great time for me to get a fitness routine establised, but once again, when I speak of it, my own mind foils my attempts, what is it about me that has to rebel against myself??